Seamus' Voter Information Guide

10.20.08

Feeling shafted by democracy? Confused by all the ballots, measures, phone calls, and junk mail? Never fear, because Seamus' Voter Information Guide is here.

Researching the candidates and the measures can be tedious and time-consuming, and the government never seems to present enough information to you, the voter, prior to election day. That's why I have done all the work for you. All you have to do now is vote for who, and what, I vote for. Simple, painless, and easy.

Follow my instructions and the world will be set on the right track. Ignore them at your own peril. Feel free to print a copy of this guide and bring it with you to your designated polling area. Keep in mind that your ballot may be different according to geographical differences, so take note of the details, not merely the numbers.

PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT

Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Fill in oval 8 on your ballot.

Barack out with your cock out, baby! An idealistic, articulate, and dignified statesman is a far better choice than a short-tempered, bitter, and power-hungry senior citizen.

However, McCain might be the choice for you if you fit any of these criteria:

A) You make more than $250,000 a year and you don't believe in public works.
B) You are racist against black people.
C) You have been brainwashed and somehow think that "conservative" politics can clean up the mess that was caused by "conservative" politics to begin with. (I put the word "conservative" in quotes because conservatives never seem to conserve anything, except perhaps a government run by incompetent mercenaries.) In other words, you think you can put out a fire with gasoline.

Otherwise, Barack's your man.

If you vote Republican in this election, you are willfully choosing to fuck America in the ass. America has been buggered by the Republicans for the past 8 years, and we are now in the worst condition we've been in since the Great Depression (which was itself the result of three back-to-back Republican administrations). Do yourself, and the world, a favor. Vote Obama.

UNITED STATES REPRESENTATIVE

Jane Harman. Fill in oval 28.

MEMBER OF THE STATE ASSEMBLY

Ted W. Lieu. Fill in oval 32.

JUDICIAL

Office No. 72: Hilleri Grossman Merritt. Fill in oval 55.

Steven A. Simons' written statement made him seem like a douche. Hilleri, despite the fact that she ends her first name with an "i," appears to be the stronger candidate. That said, these choices are tough, because most judicial candidates don't make their political convictions clear prior to their appointment.

Office No. 82: Cynthia Loo. Fill in oval 57.

I really liked her statement. She has a good heart, and is wise beyond her years. However, Thomas Rubinson is a qualified guy as well. This appears to be a rare win-win situation. I'm pulling for Loo, though.

Office No. 84: Pat Connolly. Fill in oval 60.

Connolly is the lesser of two evils. He has a larger-than-life alpha male personality, and he rubs some people the wrong way. However, Lori-Ann Jones has a ridiculous record. She gives people 9 month sentences for infractions that usually result in 30 days. She jails traffic offenders who can't make bail, including jaywalkers. She apparently takes pleasure in sending people guilty of minor infractions to the slammer. All in all, she comes off as a psycho bitch. Pat's a better choice.

Office No. 94: C. Edward Mack. Fill in oval 64.

It's the Return of the Mack, baby! Once again, I find myself endorsing an African-American candidate over an Irish-American one. This is truly evidence that I am an unbiased voter. Though O'Gara is an upstanding citizen, Mack is a 'Nam vet, a scientist, an experienced attorney, and a cooler guy. Plus, he is clear about his values and mission, whereas O'Gara (and nearly everybody else) is not.

Office No. 154: Rocky L. Crabb. Fill in oval 66.

He's more qualified, far more experienced, and has better values than his opponent. Crabb's the man.

STATE MEASURES (only applies to California residents)

1A: Yes. Fill in oval 80.

A high speed train from LA to the Bay (and Sacto as well)? Sounds like a dream come true. If you're tired of driving, and tired of airports, then this is the remedy for your pain. Plus, it saves money on roads, clears up traffic jams, is good for the environment, and helps California keep up with other states and countries who are waaaaay ahead of us when it comes to public transportation.

2: Yes. Fill in oval 87.

I want the meat I eat to be from an animal who lived a good, healthy, natural life. I don't want to eat meat that comes from a fucking concentration camp. Animals should be treated with respect. I love eating them, but there's no need to abuse them. (See also "I am never eating at KFC again.") This law is just, humane, and sanitary.

3: Yes. Fill in oval 91.

The Bush administration closed so many hospitals it's ridiculous. It's time to heal the wound.

4: No. Fill in oval 95.

Just another case of bible-thumpers trying to overturn Roe v. Wade. A step backwards. Shut it down.

5: Yes. Fill in oval 98.

I was on the fence about this one, until I read that if this passes, "Possession of less than 28.5 grams of marijuana would have a lesser penalty than under current law." That pretty much sealed the deal for me.

6: No. Fill in oval 107.

Apparently it will cost the state $500 million. Bad idea. Though I think that cops (and other public servants) aren't paid enough, I don't think that building more prisons (as we're closing down schools) is a good idea. California already spends more than 4 times per prisoner than per public school student. Prop 6 also strengthens the admissibility of hearsay evidence and makes it easier to try a juvenile as an adult. The negatives outnumber the positives in this one.

7: Yes. Fill in oval 110.

This one was tough. It reads well to an environmentalist like myself, and yet some environmentalist groups are against it. It is allegedly good for the environment, but bad for small business. At the same time, big utility companies are leading the charge against it. Prop 7 is a paradox. Ultimately, though, it appears that the issue has been deliberately clouded by the energy companies, and that Prop 7 is a good idea.

8: No. Fill in oval 115.

We Californians already decided to give gay people equal rights, and now they're trying to overturn our decision and take those rights away? The fact that this measure is even on the ballot is disgusting. We are full-grown adults. Isn't it high time we stopped picking on homosexuals? This isn't Nazi Germany. Gay people deserve the same rights that straight people do. Period.

9: No. Fill in oval 119.

Costly, and not really necessary. The vast majority of this proposition is already law.

10: Yes. Fill in oval 122.

What's good for the environment is good for the people. Weaning ourselves off of foreign oil is necessary for our planet, our economy, and our future.

11: No. Fill in oval 127.

Though I understand the sentiment of Prop 11, bureaucracy is not the antidote to corruption.

12: Yes. Fill in oval 132.

You want to support our troops? Put your money where your mouth is. Also, the fiscal impact of this proposition is probably negligible.

COUNTY MEASURES (only applies to residents of LA county)

R: Yes. Fill in oval 137.

Traffic is ridiculous around here. So is the smog. Let's hope this helps.

CITY MEASURES

Eh, the rest of this stuff doesn't really matter.

With this guide, I just saved you 5+ hours of having to read about this garbage yourself. You can thank me later. Remember to vote; your country needs you. Party on Wayne.