Random and Largely Unrelated Thoughts IX

04.15.09

Personally, I find that I can only suffer the loud idiocy of bars when I am a few drinks en route to becoming a loud idiot myself.

When the poor steal from the rich, it’s called theft. When the rich steal from the poor, it’s called a free market. (Or a bailout.)

The poor aren’t getting a free ride. The rich are. Remember that.

“You cannot serve God and wealth.” –Jesus of Nazareth

We live in the Dark Ages. We just haven't realized it yet.

Watching people misspell the work “karaoke” really annoys me. I know it’s a tough one, but at least look it up before you attempt it, and stop reminding me how illiterate you are.

The douchebag comments one stumbles across online never fail to amaze me. A girl I know posted a cleavage shot on Facebook, and one of her guy friends left a comment stating (I kid you not) "Yum yum gimmee some!" What an embarrassment.

Thank god I'm not that guy.

Stop turning Facebook into Myspace. Let’s maintain some standards, people! At least be somewhat literate, and not a complete imbecile.

If you bring me a pizza, I will be pretty impressed with you.

If I bring you a pizza, I’m probably going to eat half of it.

After we men (at least we civilized men) go the the restroom, even if it's only #1, we wash our hands afterward, presumably because we've been handling our equipment. Though I support this practice, it is a bit ridiculous, as it implies that my piece is dirty and that my hands are clean. Nothing could be further from the truth. My junk has been bathed, and then protected from the outside world by two layers of clothing, whereas my hands have been touching doorknobs, handles, other people's hands, etc., and thus have been exposed to an exponentially greater amount of germs and bacteria. If anything, I should wash my junk after my hands touch it, not the other way around.

Please excuse me while I bludgeon you with my unrelenting opinions.

Baller on a budget? Come on, dude. Let’s face it: we’re fucking broke.

Throughout my life I’ve trained myself not to be afraid. 9 times out of 10, this the wisest course of action: to live without fear, and to think without letting fear affect your decision making process. However, perhaps it would be wise if 1 time out of 10 I was able to take my fear into account.

Now that people get their water piped into their homes, they’ve lost respect for the rain.

Sorry, but you looked better as a brunette. Stop bleaching it lighter; the experiment failed.

Getting deleted by someone for no apparent reason is always a bit unsettling. I thought we were cool, but apparently you now dislike me for reasons unbeknownst. Nothing changed on my side. What happened to you?

I was listening to the Dungeon Family album today and the following thought occurred to me: how dope would it be if Cee-Lo and Andre 3000 made an album together, just the two of them, with possible production and instrumentation by Sleepy Brown? Man, that shit would be amazing.

I love how TNT playes Braveheart and Lord of the Rings so frequently. If only other movie channels had such great taste.

I am boycotting every company that got bailed out by the federal government. I am especially pissed off when I see their ads on TV, ads that our tax dollars paid for. Fuck GM, fuck Citibank, fuck AIG, et al.

With regards to the President’s innocuous and largely inaudible Special Olympics comment, relax. It was funny. The dude has a sense of humor and he was mocking himself. What a relief it is to have a leader with qualities like that. Stop pretending to be offended. Grow up, and put a muzzle on this manufactured conservative outrage bullshit.

People actually complained that he gave the Queen of England an iPod. Who cares? I wouldn't care if he gave her a pair of diapers and a walker. It's not like she needs anything.

Hell, I wouldn't care if he gave the Queen of Sheba a pearl necklace.

If you insist on bitching about Barack so frequently, at least have the decency to bitch about something important, like the American missiles that killed Pakistani women and children last Saturday. These women and children were slaughtered by unmanned drones. In other words, we are killing innocent civilians with robots, robots without a human conscience and without human judgment. It’s like the rise of the machines in Terminator, except in real life. This is why they call America "the Great Satan."

It’s absurd how conservatives get so worked up about trivialities, but don’t give two shits about serious issues, like war and civilian casualties.

Conservative pundits have zero credibility. These are, after all, the same people who voted for Bush twice and called Barack and Michelle's fist pound greeting a "terrorist fist pump," and managed to turn this "terrorist fist pump" into a media frenzy, which is just one example of them degrading the national debate into a complete farce. They are clearly not paradigms of honesty, virtue, or rational thought. Ergo, they should shut their fucking mouths for once and give the nation a chance to recover from their terrible advice.

To my conservative friends: you know I love you guys. But you need to stop listening to those assholes, and let Barack do his job. The more pettiness he's bogged down in, the less time he has to devote to real issues. This blatant obstructionism is a crime against the welfare of the entire nation.

I support high speed rail in America, but what's with the west coast being completely neglected? As if we don't have a high population density. At least give us a train from LA to Vegas, or from the Bay to Tahoe. Who the fuck cares about the South?

Music historians like to claim that grunge sprung spontaneously from the Pacific Northwest, like Athena emerging fully grown from the head of Zeus, to singlehandedly slay the cheesy and vapid excesses of 80s buttrock. That’s partially true. However, if you look at videos like Iggy Pop’s “High on You” from 1988, you can see that grunge was foreshadowed by, among others, the Godfather of Punk himself.

Casting I Don’t Approve Of, Continued:
Elijah Wood as Iggy Pop. SACRILEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoever made said casting decision should be beaten without mercy, and stripped of all clout in Hollywood.

Such clout should, of course, subsequently be reallocated to myself.

One thing I don't like about Los Angeles is that there's no earth. It's all concrete. If you want to reach down and run your fingers through the earth, your hands will instead grate against gum-encrusted concrete. Not that I often do run my fingers through soil and grass; it just would be nice to know that I have that option.

While I'm on the subject, you gum chewers are a blight against polite society. Every time I step in a piece of gum, I curse the lot of you.

There are few women I’ve met in my life that I could fall deeply in love with. Sadly, they all seem to be engaged, married, or in serious long-term relationships. Guess I'll just have to keep sleeping with the B-listers. (Just kidding, girls. You know you're money.)

The girls I knew in college were pretty awesome people. For the most part, I really haven't met women of that caliber since, with that level of education, cultivation, and with such good personalities. With few exceptions, the girls I meet in LA don't compare.

As Irish comedian Ardal O'Hanlon said, "In America, there's such an emphasis on looking good, and feeling good... at great expense to one's personality, I've noticed."

So true, Ardal. So very true.