Random and Largely Unrelated Thoughts Goes to the Movies

02.16.09

January 21, 2009: I think I saw Bill Maher drive by my house this afternoon when I was in front cleaning out the trunk of my car. I wonder if he got my Christmas card.

If you are a dude and you saw “He’s Just Not That Into You,” please hand in your testicles to the proper authorities.

Wiz, I'm not even going to rat you out here because your story is too terrible to contemplate.

Jessica Simpson gained some weight... and I love every pound.

Sex is no substitute for love. Furthermore, love is no substitute for sex.

Sometimes I'm down to rock out with my cock out. Other times, I'd rather just hang out with my wang out.

I am flattered that you tagged me in your "25 Random Things About Me" blog. I know that all the cool kids are doing it. However, I will not be carrying on the tradition. This is because I am mildly irked that another blog used the word "Random" in the title and listed random things, while completely stealing my thunder.

Do your thing, though. I ain't mad atcha.

I went out to Sharkeez. It was 70 percent dudes. Ecch. I sat down at an empty bench. A bouncer came and told me that guys couldn't sit there, that the bench was to be kept empty in case girls wanted to dance on it. I wanted to punch him.

I've said it before: if you're a guy, the numbers are stacked against you.

The DJ kept playing terrible mash-ups. I hate mash-ups. Way to ruin two good songs by turning them into one crappy track.

No, everything does not sound better when set to a house beat. Just play the real song, you amateur.

Rod Blagojevich: what a scumbag.

The more I watch Curb Your Enthusiasm, the more my life turns into Curb Your Enthusiasm.

The clearest evidence that an MBA is not a real education is the fact that George W. Bush has one. Master of Business Administration. What a scam. It's just an excuse to keep rich kids in power.

People who study business exclusively tend not to know very much about culture.

Reasons why a conservative millionaire should never be elected President again: Herbert Hoover and George W. Bush.

If that's not enough for you, then I don't know what is.

I still think Princess Jasmine is hot. I know she's a cartoon, but man, is she smoking.

Proactive is not a real word, and needs to be retired from the vernacular posthaste.

Real words: assertive, diligent, motivated, enterprising, ACTIVE.

Some people like me, some people don’t. That’s life.

That said, I do find myself to be an excellent personality test. If you like me, that means you are good natured, easy-going, smart, and fun. If you don't, that means you're an uptight asshole.

Thank God for my friends. You guys manage to keep a smile on my face when by all rights I should be miserable.

Apparently my roommate doesn’t believe in covering his mouth when he coughs and sneezes, in the kitchen no less. Echh.

I just found out that Roger Ebert gave the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 3.5 stars out of 4, the same rating he gave to The Last Crusade. Please excuse me while I bellow with incoherent rage. That man clearly does not deserve his alpha position in the movie reviewing business. What a dipshit.

Yes, I know: my Obama knock-off profile pic is exponentially better than yours is, and I’ve had it for far longer too.

Consider, if you will, getting drawn and quartered. I imagine that it would actually be refreshing, up to a point: it would stretch your limbs, straighten your back... it actually sounds kind of nice. The trick is stopping at the right time.

Ah, the omnipresent idiot on the web. The internet is full of rude, argumentative, and vociferous imbeciles. They can be found everywhere, from YouTube to Craig’s List to World of Warcraft. They are best avoided at all costs.

Never argue with someone on the internet. It is a complete waste of time, and incredibly frustrating.

Plus, you won’t be able to beat their ass when they piss you off. Cowardly wretches are emboldened when they hide behind a computer.

With regards to dudes like John Mayer and Jason Mraz, it must be weird being a male songwriter and having zero male fans.

If you are a dude and you like either of the aforementioned artists, please hand in your testicles to the proper authorities.

What do you call a person with downs syndrome and one leg?

A unitard.

I know that joke was horribly offensive, but it struck me like a bolt of lightning when someone said the word "unitard" over the weekend, and I had to share it.

When inspiration strikes, heed it.

My love of comedy apparently exceeds my commitment to political correctness.

Casting that I would hypothetically approve of:

Romany Malco as Tupac Shakur.

Daniel Craig as Lin in an adaptation of "Shantaram."

David Bowie or Leonard Nimoy as Elrond in "the Lord of the Rings."

Casting that I don't approve of:

Billy Crudup as Doc Manhattan in "Watchmen." (Are you kidding me? This alone might ruin the movie for me. This is, after all, the douche who ruined "Big Fish.")

Frankie Muniz as Buddy Holly in "Walk Hard." (Worst. Casting. Ever.)

Hugo Weaving as Elrond in "the Lord of the Rings."

Tobey Maguire as Venom in "Spider Man 3."

They're playing "Jersey Girl" on IFC. Come on, guys. Just because it flopped doesn't make it an independent film.

The History Channel has been raising my ire of late. Many of their programs are either inaccurate or lacking important information. Their terrible MLK bio didn't even mention how MLK was inspired by Gandhi's doctrine of non-violent resistance, which became the backbone of his own activism. And their mediocre bit about the Apocalypse named three of the four horsemen, but omitted Famine! Unbelievable.

There's nothing worse than a beautiful woman with a bad personality. Like the Trojan horse, or a mousetrap, one is seduced by an apparent good, only to be grievously injured.

To make matters worse, she's used to people putting up with her bullshit.

Woman, you turned my night into a nightmare.

Stick shift as opposed to automatic is like film cameras as opposed to digital cameras. Yeah, it's a lost art, and it takes more skill. But at the same time, you are handicapping yourself by eschewing technological advancement.

Wouldn't Tarzan have a beard? He's not Native American or anything.

With regards to Californication, the show: they should stop plagiarizing the wit of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and re-name the program "Old Douchebags Inexplicably Getting Laid."

Barack has done more in two weeks than Bush did in his first eight months.

Marijuana was made illegal for the first time in recorded history in 1937, by the conservative racists that ran the US government at the time. Are we Americans really so arrogant to think that the upstart Prohibition establishment knew more than did the Chinese and Indian civilizations, who had been using cannabis medicinally and recreationally for five thousand years?

At the very least, consumers should have the freedom to decide which advertisements to subscribe to, rather than being bombarded and brainwashed by a product that they have no interest in.

One thing I'd like to do before I die is have sex while playing the didgeridoo. If I pulled that off, I imagine I'd transform into an Aboriginal demigod.

If you ever happen to lose a good friend, make sure to befriend a bitter enemy.

Just as the metalsmith is dirty and grimy, and yet produces objects that sparkle and gleam, so too does the artist endure suffering before creating something beautiful.

In Art, I find God.

Reality is an illusion.