Random and Largely Unrelated Thoughts VII: We Want the Funk

01.19.09: Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

It would be nice to ask someone for advice and actually get advice, instead of a lecture or personal criticism.

Yes, I kept that Santa profile photo up until today. What can I say, I enjoyed looking at my own man-cleavage.

Ladies, I shave my nipples before you come over. I would appreciate it if you could reciprocate that particular courtesy.

Losing your job can be frustrating, but it's also an incredibly liberating feeling.

10 o clock is a good time to wake up on a weekday when you don't have work. 11:30? Then you feel like a slacker.

I’m the kind of guy who keeps a pair of swim trunks and a sleeping bag in the trunk of his car at all times. Apparently being a Boy Scout had a lasting effect on me.

I've spent far too much of my life being treated rudely by women I care about.

Henceforth, I will not waste another minute with a mean-spirited or high-maintenance woman.

Men have skeletons in their closets. Women have entire graveyards. Eddie Murphy was right.

I wanted a cheeseburger and a Guinness. I ended up with a Hefeweizen (they didn't have orange or lemon slices, either) and some crappy pizza.

There is no happiness to be found in settling.

I can't believe that Indie 103.1, arguably the best radio station in Los Angeles, went off the air. Inconceivable. A little bit of light has been extinguished from the world.

It's just another example of a small business with a good product being forced out of the market by a few megacorporations shilling a bad product.

This is not a free market.

I'm gonna miss you, Jonesy. Now who am I going to go to with the new Osirus single?

Now that I see other dudes sporting Fred Perry polo shirts, it’s not nearly as cool anymore. That was my trademark; I’ve been doing it for years. Since Nordstrom and Urban Outfitters recently starting carrying Fred Perry, the American masses are now able to encroach on my style. C’est la vie.

How the hell can you guys afford to go to Vegas right now? Am I the only one who’s flat broke?

I’ve written short stories and essays in Italian, back when I was fluent in the language. Now I can’t even read them myself. It’s an odd feeling, not being able to read what one wrote.

I recently discovered my high school Spanish teacher on Facebook. When he taught me, I had long hair and he had short hair. Now, he’s the one with long hair.

I also got back in touch with the girl I used to date in Italy, as well as my high school Spanish teacher. That was pretty cool.

There’s nothing quite like rediscovering friends you haven’t seen in years.

Truly, good company and loyal friends are the most valuable things in the world.

Ah, the one that got away.

Songs you should download: "Re-Ignition" and "Sacred Love," both by Bad Brains.

Also grab "Ready For The Floor" by Hot Chip.

For the record, I've been saying Dane Cook was a talentless douche since 2006, back when the rest of you still liked him.

I criticized Israel’s civilian-killing activity in Gaza, and all of a sudden my Jewish friends are calling me a Nazi. It’s utterly ridiculous. Just as stupid as when I criticized Hillary Clinton, and my brother and ex-girlfriend called me a chauvinist. People will go to any extreme just to win an argument, and those without the facts on their side resort to name-calling.

I slept with a Lebanese girl to get back at them.

It really chafes me when people try to muzzle me. I don’t like it.

Budweiser: I wouldn't be surprised if they piss in the vats at the brewery.

I’ve considered getting a bumper sticker that says “Jesus was a homo.” Not that I actually believe that, but just to mess with people.

I'd probably get a brick through my windshield.

Inspector Javert from Les Miserables is the literary precedent to Rorschach from Watchmen. Both characters share the same origin and personality traits, and have similar story arcs.

A girl told me recently that I seemed like a slut to her. It blew my mind.

The truth of the matter is that psychedelics are an intellectual and spiritual pursuit.

What America needs right now is a second psychedelic awakening. The military-industrial complex has gotten way out of hand, immoral corporations have bought out the bulk of our government, and our government has far more power over us than it was ever intended to. The social contract has been broken by the establishment, and we as a people have been conquered, born into slavery in system we didn’t choose. Freedom needs to be restored to the people, and we need to make our culture more humane and livable. Barack can’t fix everything by himself. Psychedelics are the perfect catalyst for change and mass epiphany.

They really make a ton of garbage movies these days, don't they?

When I'm spending time with someone I like, I don't like there to be a time limit. I don't want to be watching a clock, and I don't want them to be watching a clock either.

Ladies, booking two or more social engagements on the same day is a bad idea.

So I’m watching some inauguration special on HBO, and they have James Taylor playing live in celebration of Barack’s impending presidency. Excuse me while I projectile vomit.

James fucking Taylor. They should have had James Brown.

I know James Brown is dead, but you get what I mean. Throw out James Taylor, and bring in George Clinton! Enough with this corny stuff; we want the funk!

To be honest, I’m a bit disgusted by the soundtrack to the Obama campaign. During his infomercial, which was otherwise inspiring, they had all this light-rock acoustic guitar bullshit serving as the score of the piece. Fuck that. I want something funky, something moving. Something with soul. Some Al Green, some Bob Marley, or maybe a Tribe Called Quest. Anything but that cheesy elevator music. It’s almost as if they are trying to whitewash Barack with a bland and unthreatening soundtrack.

Even Barack’s mother didn’t listen to music this white.

Apparently I have to wait until 1 am to watch a biography of MLK on the Bio channel. What a farce. They should be having an MLK marathon all night long. Their negligence is unbelievable.

Indeed, I find the almost complete lack of MLK related programming on either the History or Biography channel today to be disturbing and mildly offensive. The one show I did see was poorly produced and severely lacking in content.

If Martin Luther King, Junior had never been killed, I believe that he would’ve been the first black President of the United States. That would’ve been spectacular.

And you can bet your ass his soundtrack wouldn’t have been country-ass elevator music. His commercials would’ve moved to the sounds of Marvin Gaye, I’m sure.

Painting the White House black: yes, I would approve.

Barack, I love you buddy. Congratulations on a job well done.