Random and Largely Unrelated Thoughts V: Back 2 tha Hood

01.08.09

If I ran the CIA, I’d train Latino Americans how to speak and write Arabic and Farsi fluently, and then use them as spies in the Middle East.

If they aren't doing that yet, then our government is even dumber than I thought.

Apparently every girl from my graduating class in college is now dating a Frenchman.

Hmm.

Our entire legal system is set up by the wealthy, for the benefit of the wealthy. The law does not protect the poor.

It appears that the fundamental difference between my father and I is that I believe in partying, and he does not.

Not caring what people think is truly liberation, like the song on Aquemini says.

This may sound crazy, but sometimes I just want to kiss a girl, rather than go so far as to have sex with her.

Then again, sometimes I want the exact opposite.

I'm a pretty liberal dude, and yet some of my best friends are conservatives, unthinkable as that sounds. You'd think I would've rubbed off on them by now.

Be who you want to be, and let your friends do the same.

Oftentimes, women are the best, most loyal, and most real friends a man can have.

That's why it kind of sucks that you're engaged now. I'd like to hang out with you, but I don't want to make your fiancé jealous and disturb your relationship.

Never mention to a friend that his sister is taller than he is. He won't take it well.

Let's face it: Jewish people are the ruling class of Los Angeles. I know it's not politically correct to acknowledge this fact, but you know it's true whether you want to admit it or not.

Hey, good for you guys. I'm just glad it's not the Scientologists.

What? You're in cahoots with the Scientologists? Oh shit.

I'll bet cats are annoyed by our urinary practices. We humans basically contaminate an otherwise pristine water source for no good reason, while cats are forced to drink from smaller, grittier basins.

Women are lucky. They get what they want, when they want it. We men? The numbers are stacked against us.

Ladies, please stop asking me what my sign is. It makes you look stupid.

I appreciate your interest in me, but surely you have better material than that?

Valkyrie is without a doubt the most boring movie featuring Nazi villains I've ever seen. Schindler's List or Raiders of the Lost Ark it's not. One gets the impression that Bryan Singer merely wanted to film men parading around in fancy uniforms, and didn't think his flick through beyond that.

This is, after all, the guy who ruined X-Men.

The new Scientologist incarnation of United Artists is off to a rocky start.

The name "Bryan" with a "y," as opposed to an "i": never been a fan.

Other misspelled names that I don't approve of: Shawn and Shaun. The name is spelled "Sean," you imbeciles.

On Ryan as a first name: I am honored that so many Americans have chosen to name their children after my family. However, let's not forget that it was a last name first.

No, my name is not Ryan Seamus, and when you call me that, I want to kill you.

Ryan Seacrest: How does that bland homo even have a career? File him next to Carson Daly in the "men who never deserved to be famous" category. I wish his parents had named him something else.

I am sexist when it comes to tattoos. On men, they look cool and tough. On women, any more than one or two tasteful designs looks trashy and unattractive.

You are beautiful girl, and you have perfect skin. Leave that skin unscathed by ink! Tattoos are for ugly guys like me, not for goddesses such as yourself.

If you are not Asian, or have not ever lived in, studied in, or traveled to Asia, then do not get Asian characters as a tattoo.

For some reason, red-headed dudes tend to want to fight me.

No, you are not the first, and I doubt you'll be the last.

I wonder if my ancestors have been brawling with gingers for centuries. Maybe it's genetic, and pre-ordained.

I am wary of any MC who doesn't smoke weed.

This might be part of the reason that I think will.i.am is a complete douche.

So it looks like Sarah Silverman is on the market again, and she doesn't seem to have any qualms about dating goyim. Sarah, call me when you get a chance.

Why does every letter in Spanish make an “H” sound? G, H, J, X… they all sound like H en Español! It’s madness!

My beard smells like peanut butter. Want to make out?