Random and Largely Unrelated Thoughts Saves Christmas

12.25.08: Christmas Day

Ah, Christmas: That magical time of year when a man returns to his hometown, to be criticized and guilt-tripped by his nuclear family, and to spend his last dime buying beers for his broke high school buddies.

I have 13 voicemail messages, and no desire to listen to any of them.

You know those ceiling lights that look like boobs? I love those things.

"It's not a rat tail. It's the Celtic, bitch." This is why I love John McGuan.

You know you're getting old when "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" is on Nick at Night. Nick at Night used to feature antiquated shows like "I Dream of Jeannie" and "My Three Sons." Now the Fresh Prince is on there? Yikes.

Breast implants are for morons. They are tacky and tasteless. Natural is the way to go.

Of course, if you are a breast cancer survivor, then you are well within your rights to get them. Otherwise, abstain.

For the record, I am also opposed to breast reductions.

I believe that I could be truly happy if I knew with confidence that I’d never have to speak to a machine on the phone again.

As far as I’m concerned, that shit should be illegal.

The Traffic Court system is a big racket. Essentially, what we are experiencing is merely state-sponsored highway robbery.

It must’ve been glorious to live in the days before people were constantly bombarded with bad advertisements. The denizens of every other time and culture predating ours had no idea how lucky they were.

Time is merely an institution.

Yes, I am irked by Barack’s blatant shift to the center, but, let’s face it: he was never really as liberal as his biggest supporters wanted him to be, myself included. As a statesman and strategist, he remains skilled, but I am beginning to doubt if he is truly an idealist.

In the end, it’s all just a big show, isn’t it?

In college I learned that there is a fine line between popularity and unpopularity. I was pretty well-known throughout the Claremont Colleges. This meant that I had a lot of friends, but that I had just as many enemies. Sometimes they were one and the same.

I frequently find myself in situations where I am confronted with some blatant and obvious truth that one one else appears to have noticed or paid heed to.

50% of all inmates in US prisons are non-violent drug offenders. It’s high time we re-evaluated the legality of narcotics in this country.

That smug dickwad on Ovation TV who said that Shepard Fairey’s work is not art will never, in all his life, accomplish a fraction of what Shepard Fairey has.

Dude, quit plucking your eyebrows. You look like a creep.

According to the Nielsen SoundScan, all of the top-selling albums of 2008 are COMPLETE GARBAGE.

Growing up, I always gave my little brother good books to read when I was done reading them. These days, my little brother gives me good books to read when he's done reading them.

I thought that my family would be the ones driving me crazy over the holidays. Surprisingly, it was my friends who did.

Strike that. My family did too.

Truly, how beautiful it is to be back in the Santa Cruz Mountains, where the skies are grey, the rain is fresh, the air is crisp and clean, and the land is green. There is wood to be chopped, a forest to hike in, and a fireplace to read by. I never thought I'd write this, but it's good to be home.

Quit busting my balls. It's Christmas, you asshole.