Random and Largely Unrelated Thoughts XI

09.11.09

If your Facebook status on September 11, 2009 alludes to the events of September 11, 2001, then you are a douche. “We remember”? It was eight years ago. Maybe you should forget about it, and move on. There are, after all, plenty of current issues to focus on. No one still bitches about Pearl Harbor, or the Alamo.

I might get a lot of shit for that one. Someone had to say it.

I think AT&T stole my motto for the summer: More bars in more places.

Imagine if you got picked up by the Cash Cab, and you're really stoked about it, but then it turned out to be the Bang Bus? They're like, "Take off your pants," and you're like "Whoah! I thought I was here to answer trivia questions!"

Note to self: buy van.

Why do supermarkets only sell the cheapest, stupidest magazines at the checkout line? It’s ridiculous. Every magazine present is geared towards women: Cosmo, People, paparazzi rags with photos of fat celebrities on the beach. Every headline is about weight loss, or weight gain, or some C-list reality TV bimbo. It’s all garbage, and it’s all geared towards a female audience. Newsflash: men read too. Why don’t you try putting an Esquire up there, or a GQ? Both of those publications are intelligently written, and both actually have literary value. Quit selling trash to women, and start improving public intelligence by selling smarter magazines that don’t degrade our culture.

My text message inbox is a graveyard of romantic failure.

Taking a photo with a member of the opposite sex is almost like publicly making out with them. For instance, if your girl sees a photo of you with some other girl online, she might be wondering “Did he hook up with her?” She will probably ask “Who the hell is that chick?” Or if some dude is in a girl’s profile photo, and he’s not a blood relative of hers, you’ll be thinking, “He must be taxing it.”

Of course, 7 out of 10 times it means nothing of the sort. But there’s always that doubt…

Love Happens, starring Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart. Boy, I can’t wait until that piece of shit comes out.

I am annoyed when a great song used in a movie trailer doesn’t end up appearing in the film itself. Pineapple Express would’ve been better with “Paper Planes” thrown in the mix (though “Electric Avenue” was badass), and 300 would have been TWICE as good had the film actually contained “Just like you imagined.”

Jay-Z: all he ever does is quote other, better rappers. He is the biggest and most blatant biter (plagiarist) in hip hop history (hip-hopstory, if you will). If you don’t know, now you know.

I mean, I respect the guy, but can we at least acknowledge his constant biting? It’s ridiculous. The guy is like a walking hip hop quotes anthology.

Eminem’s track “Any Man” on Rawkus Soundbombing II is far better than any song from his debut album, the Slim Shady LP. If you don’t know this, you don’t really know hip hop.

When girls make you rummage through their purses it’s always incredibly awkward for us men. There are sharp objects in there sometimes. It’s complete, unbridled feminine chaos! And, to be honest, if a woman has a dirty, sloppy purse, we unconsciously wonder if her undercarriage is filthy as well.

I’m just saying that men prefer ladies who are clean, organized, and sanitary.

In three hundred years, they will laugh at much of what we accept as scientific truth today, just as we laugh at the notion that the world is flat.

Everyone is addicted to something. For instance, everyone in this country is addicted to money. What’s worse, our culture foists this addiction onto us, and we have no choice but to be junkies to that worst addiction of all: the constant pursuit of material things. For most, this dependency also yields a constant struggle merely to survive in a greedy, impossible system.

I'm pretty sad that Congress didn't pass the "Cash for Plumpers" girlfriend exchange program.

Time softens one’s judgment of the music of one’s youth. For instance, I heard an Incubus song the other day and I actually enjoyed it. That said, Nickleback still blows, and always will. Man, I hate those guys, and the bland mediocrity they represent.

Any male DJ who plays Miley Cyrus deserves to be punched in the face. I am not joking.

I watched the Obama adress to Congress on Wednesday. He was far too gentle to big insurance and the drug companies for my liking, but he was inspiring nonetheless. His detractors would be wise to put down their biases for a minute and actually listen to what the man has to say.

I'm pretty sick of these right wing nutjobs who keep ruining our country with their irrational and unfounded ignorant outrage. You're only shooting yourself in the foot if you oppose universal healthcare. Quit being misled by big insurance. They've been ripping us all off for decades, and now they are paying Republican idiots to mislead you. Don't buy into it; you're doing yourself and your country a disservice.

New words:

gasolted: assaulted by Pau Gasol.
That basket just got gasolted.

thuggernaut: a thuggish juggernaut; a lawless, feral, unstoppable force.
Here comes the THUGGERNAUT!

Have a good weekend.