Random and Largely Unrelated Thoughts X

05.16.09

Priests are a lot like bartenders: they both give booze to the people and collect tips.

Pau Gasol is proof that the robust australopithecines did not die out with the arrival of early humans, as was previously supposed by the scientific community, but rather survived and bred to this day.

What's up with Carmelo Anthony's Warner Brothers tattoo? Does he really like the WB channel that much?

When I get drunk, I curse like a sailor. I curse so goddamned much it’s ridiculous. I really need to watch that shit.

House is the most overrated music genre ever, especially these days in Los Angeles.

House by any other name is still house.

With regards to Asher Roth’s “I Love College”: Thank you, Captain Obvious. Eminem called: he wants his voice back. Looks like you didn’t manage to steal any of his talent, though. Worst. Rhyming. Ever.

With regards to Eminem: how the hell can you have five singles out before your album has even dropped? Five???? One was decent, three were so-so, and one was garbage.

Apparently the iTunes Genius is a complete idiot.

I really don’t like misnomers.

Andrew Bynum kind of reminds me of Tracy Morgan.

Marijuana is California’s largest cash crop by far, more than twice as much as its closest competitor. With this in mind, laws against marijuana are laws against California’s economy.

Is it really still a custom for everyone to kiss the bride on her wedding night? It seems like a pretty bad idea to get a woman drunk and encourage her to kiss random people on the very night of her wedding. You’re not even 24 hours deep into your marriage and monogamy is already being challenged.

If I ever have small children, I think I’m going to garb them in acorn helmets, like that kid in Willow.

You know that guy Mystery, from the Pickup Artist on VH1? He picked a fitting alias, because it’s a mystery to me how he ever gets laid. (Just busting your balls, Erik.)

Betraying a friend to impress a woman is the practice of a petty man.

In America we have so many stupid rules. You can only drink in the beer garden, you can’t bring a container into the venue, you can’t walk around with an open container, you can’t bring liquids into the airport, you can’t do this, you can’t do that… we have so many stupid rules, I’m sick of it. Can we just abolish these stupid damned rules? I’m fed up with all of these fences and designated areas. Why don’t we just let people be free?

When our civilization has finally reached a point where it is just, peaceful, and free, then there will be a time for conservatism, to preserve the equilibrium. Until then, however, conservatism is a purely negative force.

Conservatives: impeding the progress of civilization since the dawn of mankind.

Casting that I would approve of: Robin Williams as Ernest Hemingway.

What did the ancient Romans eat? Keep in mind that this was centuries before the Italians imported noodles from China and tomatoes from America. Italian food without noodles and tomatoes is a complete mystery to me.

Marco Polo: what a cool guy. Pretty good game, too.

Lance Armstrong’s testicular cancer confirms my lifelong suspicions regarding the negative impact of a bicycle seat on a man’s genitals. Those seats never felt right to me. I'm surprised there hasn't been a lawsuit against Schwinn yet.

If you hide your photos on Facebook, you are a wuss. If I click the “photos of (insert name here)” button and it takes me to your photo albums, and omits all the tagged photos of you, you are still a wuss.

I’m tired of seeing stimulus package themed ads, or commercials that refer to the current political and economic climate in any way, i.e. those ‘Department of Taste” ads, etc. Every other commercial on TV seems to be a stimulus package, bailout, or political spoof of some kind. Stop using the nation’s poverty as an excuse to sell me junk food. It isn’t funny, it’s still a sore subject, and your advertisements are incredibly annoying. STOP THE STIMULUS-THEMED ADVERTISING NOW!

The pre-battle speech by William Wallace in Braveheart was excellent. The pre-battle speech by Maximus in Gladiator was decent. Every other pre-battle speech in any film since has been clichéd garbage.

I love San Francisco, and I hate it when people dismiss it as a “gay” city. San Francisco is not a gay city. It’s a city for everyone.

The personality quizzes you all are taking are beginning to irritate me. This is partially because there are spelling errors in half of them. Shoddy craftsmanship, man.

If you take too many quizzes, I usually block you from my mini-feed. Thank god I have that option.

I am best described by the Gregory Isaacs song "Loving Pauper."

You’ve heard of a photojournalist, right? Well, I’m a photonovelist.

Bad music:

If you are a man, and you are dancing to “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” by Beyonce, which features the incessant, obnoxious, immature, and materialistic refrain “If you like it, then you should’ve put a ring on it,” then YOU ARE A TRAITOR TO YOUR ENTIRE GENDER. You are like the scab of a labor strike. You disgust me.

If you are a woman, and you are dancing to “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” by Beyonce, please, don’t think like that. You are unwittingly advocating the corrupt diamond trade and the institutionalized prostitution of western marriage, as well as a gold-digging approach to relationships.

Man, that song is terrible on so many levels. Any DJ who spins it should be slapped and have their turntables confiscated.

"If you like it, then you should’ve put a ring on it”? Fuck you, you shallow, greedy whore!

I got thrown out of Beaches in Manhattan Beach about a month ago. Apparently they didn't like it when I tried to change the crappy music by fiddling with the absent DJ's laptop, told the DJ that he had been playing "literally the worst music I've heard in my entire life" when he arrived and confronted me, and subsequently wandered over to the bar, filched a bottle of Jägermeister, and poured myself a drink.

I just can't stand it when a good party is ruined by bad music.

A further examination of "Putting a ring on it":

I met a buxom woman at a party a couple weeks ago. She was sporting a foot of cleavage, and her large boobs were practically spilling out of her dress. She was friendly and flirty, and seemed unattached. I later found out from other sources that she was, in actuality, engaged to be married. She had not been wearing her engagement ring, however.

Think about this for a minute. Some poor sucker spent at least two months pay buying this woman an engagement ring, a ring decorated with diamonds mined by poor, enslaved African children, children who regularly have their limbs chopped off by evil, militant warlords, and this chick is too shady to wear said ring to a party when her fiancé isn’t around?

These people have suffered so that she can wear something that sparkles, but she is so unappreciative of her privilege that she cultivates the illusion of availability at social functions. What a two-faced bitch.

It’s situations like these that make me question the honesty of women today. American women are like pampered aristocrats, used to getting a whole lot for very little effort on their parts. What’s worse, most of them feel entitled to the special treatment they receive. I don’t see any women buying men rings, do you?

Regarding Adam Sandler:

Despite the progressive messages in his films, I have recently read that Adam Sandler is a conservative. For me, this is like one of my heroes dieing an untimely death.

I have been a little wary of him lately. Many of the villains in his movies have Irish names: The O'Doyles from Billy Madison and Click, Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore, and James O'Scanlon from You Don't Mess With the Zohan. It seems that he might be a wee bit racist against Irish people.

That being said, Sandler is friends with Irish-American comics Kevin Nealon, Norm MacDonald, and the late Chris Farley, and he was reportedly sporting the Seamus haircut in Bedtime Stories, so his anti-Celtic carbon footprint is zero.

The film business as an indictment of capitalism:

I often wonder why so many terrible movies are made every year. The answer is simple: businessmen run the movie studios, and businessmen know dick about art. This is why we are subjected to so many crappy films time and time again: because the businessmen have the power, and the artists do not.

If the artists had the power, we would witness films that are actually art, instead of imbecilic commercial drivel, such as Wolverine.

I am amazed and appalled that millions of dollars can be spent to create something with virtually no entertainment value, and zero cultural or artistic content whatsoever. Sadly, that is quickly becoming the standard in Hollywood today.

A big budget is nothing without vision and talent.

This film industry dynamic is a microcosm for our entire society. When you get to the root of all the bullshit in our culture, from the financial collapse, to the bad advertising we absorb on a daily basis, to the ignorant, downtrodden, and complacent state of our populace, all of this stems from the fact that we are governed by businessmen, and that businessmen have all the power in America.

If you are ruled by mercenaries, expect to get ripped off, dumbed down, and exploited. This is what has happened to us.

Capitalism is an economic system. It is not a moral code or a set of values, nor is it a system of social order. Accordingly, one should not structure a society around capitalism alone. This is what led to the mess we’re in now, and the corporate slavery that has subjugated us all.

Capitalism turns every man into a mercenary.