Throw her to the wolves.

10.30.08

Sarah Palin. Where do I begin. First off, I'd like to say that many of the arguments against her are shallow and vapid.

Take, for instance, that whole "Bush Doctrine" debacle. Everyone was jumping down her throat because she didn't know what the "Bush Doctrine" was. Please. There are so many indications of this woman's incompetence and questionable ethics, and the media chooses to focus on this? Ludicrous.

Let's face it: no one knows what the fuck the Bush Doctrine is. If they do, they learned after this incident became publicized. Personally, I'm shocked that Bush even has a doctrine. I thought that doctrines were reserved for people capable of intelligent thought, guys like Monroe, or Harry Truman. I didn't know that morons like Bush got their own doctrines. They're practically handing them out these days, it seems.

Bush Doctrine aside, there are many things about Sarah Palin that you should be worried about. She is a bespectacled, attractive, dishonest, and Machiavellian religious fanatic, traits she shares with one of my ex-girlfriends, who was a truly terrifying woman. She has manipulated her way to the top, her potential for power is infinite, and her values are clearly fucked up.

She wants to ban books from public libraries. Fascist, anyone? She actually got a librarian fired for resisting her book-banning plan. Think about that for a minute. It's insane. She also got her sister's ex fired from public service, for the mere fact that he was her sister's ex. These actions are a clear abuse of power, and evidence of a selfish and totalitarian mindset.

She spent $150,000 of campaign money on a wardrobe. $150,000. Let that figure sink in. That is more than my college education cost, and the Claremont Colleges are nothing if not overpriced and ridiculously expensive. And for those people who claim that they're fiscally conservative, let's look at the reality of conservative finance: spending a shitload of money that isn't yours on something stupid that serves no public good.

She is skeptical of global warming. She lives in the state where glaciers are receding faster than my hairline, where there is tangible, obvious, disturbing, and undeniable evidence of global warming, and she is still a skeptic. This is the equivalent of looking at a stab victim and claiming that they probably were not assaulted. She denies that global warming is man made. If that's the case, then why has global warming increased exponentially in direct proportion with the spread of civilization from the Industrial Revolution on?

And as our fair nation is wracked with environmental turmoil and upheaval, as the glaciers vanish with increased rapidity from beneath the furry claws of the polar bears, Sarah Palin is fighting to keep those same polar bears from being classified as an endangered species. Their habitat is being destroyed, which she denies is a problem, their numbers are dwindling, and she is fighting to preserve the right to kill them. It is right-wing morons like this who are responsible for the extinction of the dodo. I hope a polar bear eats her.

This backwards woman is two steps from running our country. If the Republicans fix the election again, which they are in the process of doing as they strike black voters from the rolls nationwide, McCain will be President. The oldest President ever. All of McCain's doctors know that he is in terrible health. We will be a mere heart attack away from having Dolores Umbridge, I mean Sarah Palin, in charge of our nation. Let the book burnings begin!

But you know what bothers me the most about Sarah Palin? She guns down wolves from a helicopter, and encourages others to do the same. She even spent $400,000 of taxpayer money to brainwash Alaskans into agreeing with her.

Now I'll admit, shooting wolves from a helicopter sounds fun, in a sick, twisted kind of way. But it is also the most disgusting thing I've heard about anybody in this race. What kind of psychopath would do something like this? There's no logic behind it; it's just an outright slaughter. This is a species that was endangered until its reintroduction in 1995. Sick, unchecked behavior like this is going to push the grey wolf right back into the endangered column.

I'm going to be candid here. If I was the Dictator of America, here's what I would do: I'd take Sarah out for a nice, moose dinner. I'd wine her and dine her, and lull her into a false sense of security. Come morning, we'd go on a helicopter ride, ostensibly to shoot those poor, defenseless wolves from the air. But as soon as she reached for her rifle, I'd issue the following decree to my henchmen:

Throw her to the wolves. Let them express their gratitude to her for the slaughter of their families. It's time to settle the score.

And as she picks herself up from the tundra, panicking as she is circled by a pack of hostile canids, I'd wheel the helicopter away, laughing diabolically.