Thanks to Liberals

11.03.08

As Election Day rapidly approaches, I am taking the time to examine Liberals and Conservatives, and their respective contributions to western civilization thus far.

Thanks to Liberals,

Science has flourished in spite of resistance from right-wing bible thumpers.

Our country declared independence from England.

Our freedom of speech is constitutionally guaranteed.

Slavery was abolished.

Women have suffrage.

We have free public education.

Prohibition didn’t stick.

Rock & Roll music was not suppressed in the 1950s, despite the active campaigning of many conservatives at the time. For that matter, neither were Jazz, the Blues, or Hip Hop, all of which were also opposed by conservatives.

JFK, the first Irish-Catholic President in our nation's history, was elected in 1961.

The civil rights movement was a success.

Abortion is legal.

Marijuana is largely decriminalized (in California.)

Gay people have equal rights (in California.)

Bill Clinton’s two terms in office left the nation with a $559 billion budget surplus, the largest in our nation’s history. This was in spite of the $80 million wasted by conservatives investigating his sex life.

We live in a society where people of all cultural backgrounds can coexist in (relative) peace.

Thanks to Conservatives,

We suffered the Great Depression, a direct result of the right-wing socioeconomic policies of three successive fraud-ridden and corrupt Republican administrations, namely those of Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, and Herbert Hoover.

We are now, in 2008, experiencing the worst economy we've had since the Great Depression, a direct result of the right-wing socioeconomic policies of two successive fraud-ridden and corrupt Republican administrations under George W. Bush.

A complete imbecile has been given the most powerful office in the world.

We have elected an administration whose executive office and cabinet is entirely staffed by “former” oil executives. In other news, oil prices have surged 149% over the past three years alone. Hmmm.

George W. Bush’s two terms in office, after spending the entirety of our $559 billion budget surplus, are leaving the nation with at least a $455 billion budget deficit, and nothing to show for it.

We have accumulated a more vast and crippling national debt than this nation has ever seen in its entire history, by far.

Our government is run by a cartel of incompetent oilmen who are in bed with the Saudis and the Bin Laden family.

The national treasury has been completely looted and funneled into the hands of a few of Bush and Cheney’s golfing buddies.

Our nation started a pointless war under false pretenses when our efforts would’ve been better spent elsewhere.

$720 million dollars are spent every day on the war in Iraq, which yields no positive results to the American people as a whole, or, indeed, to anyone.

Our earth, sea, and sky are poisoned by profiteering corporations who are not held accountable for their disgusting and immoral actions.

Our natural resources have been plundered without the slightest care for future generations or environmental safety.

We now experience the worst service ever from our phone companies, cable companies, and moneylenders, due to unregulated business and a complete lack of consumer protection.

The Bush administration is pushing a proposal that would define any form of contraceptive or birth control as abortion. To boot, it’s being pushed as a “rule change” that wouldn’t require congressional approval. This would usurp laws that require insurance companies to provide birth control for women who want it.

Creationist museums have opened up across the country, falsely claiming that humans and dinosaurs cohabited the earth, because some conservative nutjobs think that this bullshit is somehow in keeping with the Book of Genesis.

Job growth has been negative for at least seven consecutive months.

Final domestic purchases for the US economy are negative for the first time since 1991.

Marijuana is illegal.

Our constitutional right to privacy has been violated.

The rest of the world hates us.

The exchange rate of the dollar is at an all-time low compared to the euro, the pound, and the yen.

Our government constantly lies to us, and gets away with it.

The idiots have taken over, and are robbing us blind.

* * *

Now, pray tell, why is it that you plan to vote Republican?

Basically, 9 out of 10 Republicans are deliberately mislead, and don’t know what the fuck is really going on. 1 out of 10 Republicans know what’s really going on, and are getting rich from it. Some Republicans vote based on ignorance, and the rest vote based on greed.

I guess that’s just how the GOP works these days. For every one step forward we liberals make, the conservatives push us two steps backwards towards the dark ages. C’est la vie.

Republicans always complain about paying taxes to support schools, hospitals, public services, and help the poor. Yet they have no qualms about spending $720 million a day (not counting Afghanistan) to bomb schools, hospitals, and the poor of another nation. It is far cheaper to feed a nation than to kill one. Let’s start taking care of our own.

And to Christians, I pose the following question: Would Jesus rather feed, heal, and educate his own country, or invade, plunder, and destroy another one? If you answer the latter, you are deluding yourself. And if you call yourself a Christian, you should follow Christ’s example. Otherwise, stop ruining the word for the rest of us.

Famous Liberals:
Jesus
Abraham Lincoln
Gandhi
JFK
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Famous Conservatives:
The guys who killed Jesus
The guy who shot Abraham Lincoln
The guy who shot Gandhi
The guy who shot JFK
The guy who shot Martin Luther King, Jr.
Adolf Hitler

Liberals create. Conservatives merely destroy.

I would also like to take this time to mention that the Founding Fathers were liberals, and were far more progressive and open-minded than most of their contemporaries at the time. This is the exact opposite of politicians today, who are overwhelmingly more conservative than their constituents. Hmm. That's worked out real well.

When you go to vote tomorrow, think about the future of this country, and the consequences of our decisions. Realize that maybe you’ve been lied to by your party, for a very long time. Above all, please do the right thing. Thank you for your time.

- Seamus Ryan