Why Kid Rock and Jay-Z Suck

11.21.08

Both of those dudes have ruined classic songs for me, and I am pretty pissed about it.

Picture this: you are at a bar, and the opening notes of one of your favorite songs start blaring through the system. You immediately get really psyched up and excited: finally, the DJ is playing something you love! Yeah! Drinks on me! PARRRRRRTYY!!!!!

You get the idea.

Suddenly, the song changes. Wait a minute... this isn't the classic track you thought it was. This is just some crummy track that sampled it! What the fuck???

Other people, less knowledgeable than you, are still coasting off of your initial enthusiasm and nodding along, while you hang your head in frustration and disgust.

Yes, this has happened to me. Many times. I always get suckered in by the beginning of the song, only to be horribly dismayed when I inevitably discover that it is a Trojan Horse of shitty music.

EXAMPLE 1:

"Show Me What You Got," that terribly mediocre Jay-Z song that stole the opening sax riff from Wreckx-N-Effect's classic track "Rump Shaker."

DJs, you guys are idiots. Your sets are bland as hell. However, when you start this track off, my faith in you is instantly rekindled. I think, "Wow, they're playing Rump Shaker? I love this song!"

Then, moments later, in what is perhaps the biggest disappointment of the night, I realize that you are merely spinning Jay-Z's stale-ass track. And I want to strangle you.

I realize that this riff is by the Lafayette Afro Rock Band, and that it was originally sampled by Public Enemy. Nonetheless, Wreckx-N-Effect made the best use of it, by far. And Jay-Z has clearly made the worst use of it.

While we're on the subject of biting, remember that Jay-Z and Beyonce RAPED 2pac's epic "Me and My Girlfriend" back in 2002, stripping the lyrics of their original metaphor and transforming the song into a pop hit. It was disgusting.

I am really fed up with this guy. Can't he do something original for once?

Jay-Z = most overrated rapper, ever.

EXAMPLE 2:

"All Summer Long," Kid Rock's imbecilic and disturbingly popular blatant rip-off of Warren Zevon's timeless "Werewolves of London."

This song makes me want to puke. Hearing 'Werewolves of London" on the radio or at a bar is such a rare and special thing, but now it never happens. Instead, I am subjected to Kid Rock's crappy wannabe-hick remake of it, in which he has replaced Zevon's clever and entertaining lyrics with his own trite phony-redneck clichés.

The result is much like watching Kid Rock take a dump on the Mona Lisa.

The ultimate irony of this is that Kid Rock uses Zevon's music to pay tribute to Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama." This is particularly irritating because Zevon recorded the classic, darkly comic song "Play It All Night Long" as a complete satire and mockery of ignorant, right-wing Southerners, and, to a lesser extent, a joke at Lynyrd Skynyrd's expense.

And now Kid Rock is using Zevon's music to praise Skynyrd and redneck culture. Either Kid has completely missed the point of Warren's songwriting, or he doesn't give a shit and is exploiting it for his own personal gain. It's like using a Neil Young song to promote a Republican campaign: complete and utter sacrilege.

If Kid wanted to smoke Skynyrd's pole so much, he should've just sampled "Sweet Home Alabama" and been done with it. There was no need to drag Warren into the soulless affair. It's disgraceful.

Warren Zevon is doubtless vomiting in his own grave.

BONUS EXAMPLE:

"Stronger," Kanye West's retarded self-aggrandizing retread of Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger."

Anyone who has heard the original Daft Punk track realizes that Kanye's version blows. And everyone who hasn't heard the original Daft Punk track thinks that Kanye's song is awesome.

The same can be said for the other two examples I gave; I guess that's just how these situations work out. If more people knew their shit, then mediocre records like this wouldn't fly, and we as a people would be better off for it.

If you are one of the unfortunates who are fans of the aforementioned three craptastic songs, I beg of you, please acquaint yourselves with their earlier, purer incarnations. You won't regret it.

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have a DJ to assault.