Seamus' Laws of Karaoke

10.10.08

Karaoke bars are under constant siege by the forces of lawlessness and mediocrity. Someone needs to reign in the chaos, and return the Land of Karaoke to the utopian paradise it was intended to be. I thus present to you Seamus' Laws of Karaoke:

1) Ladies, under no circumstances attempt to perform "Regulate."

Regulate, originally performed by Warren G. and Nate Dogg, is a classic song. It is also a song that most (cool) people know the lyrics to, and a song that is easy to sing along with. With this in mind, one would think that you and your drunken sorority sisters will do an awesome job performing it, right? WRONG.

Multiple times, I have witnessed this great song be torn to shambles by five or more attractive young women, the very same women who seem to have performed 7 out of the past 10 songs while you and your friends patiently wait for your turn. Inexplicably, these girls actually don't know the lyrics to Regulate at all, and can't manage to get them right despite the fact that THERE IS A TELEPROMPTER READING THE LYRICS TO THEM AS WE SPEAK.

It literally pains me to see a great song wasted like this. Girls, make yourself useful and buy me a drink, and leave Regulate to the professionals, or at least those of us with half a brain. Stick to "Baby Got Back." That one wasn't as painful.

2) No one, under any circumstances, should perform "Don't Stop Believing."

This song used to be a perfect karaoke song. After it was featured prominently in the series finale of the Sopranos, however, you started hearing it everywhere. It became the finale of every cover band's set list, a staple of every DJ's playlist, and a song that is heard at least two times every night in EVERY KARAOKE BAR IN AMERICA.

In short, this song is played out. You, the masses, have ruined a good song for me, and I am tired of hearing uninspired performances of it every weekend at the Gaslite.

This is the perfect song for dudes who are bad at karaoke but nonetheless want to be popular, because they know that their shitty performance will be drowned out by the rest of the bar singing along. Because this song is now a mandatory sing-along song to the point of cliché, it has thus been stripped of its coolness. It's almost as if, in order to fit in, you have to pretend to love this song. I used to love it. Now I'm sick of it.

"Hey man, let's do "Don't Stop Believing!'"

What an original idea, you douchebag. Maybe you can follow it with an encore of "Sweet Caroline," Captain Obvious.

3) Be a supportive audience for your friends.

Of course, this goes without saying. Most people are. I personally am indebted to my friends for supporting my drunken performances and getting the crowd right. I do the same for them. That's how we roll.

However, some people don't have a lot of karaoke bar experience, and just kind of sit there, self-conscious, while their friends are up there, alone, onstage. They need your support, man! It takes courage to get up there. Make them feel proud of doing so and cheer them on. Don't be a wuss.

I actually have one friend, who, during my solid performance of "White Wedding" at the BAC, actually stood with his back to the stage, carrying out an uninspired conversation with a girl whose number I had already gotten. This was a twofold violation.

However, the rest of the crowd was supportive enough to allow me to overlook his irritating behavior. I don't bear him any ill will; he just didn't know any better. Regardless, you should always go to bat for your friends at a karaoke bar. Cheer for them. Make them feel loved.

4) That one pretty boy moron with the trendy hat needs to be stopped.

If I hear him sing "All Night Long" one more time, I am going to vomit all over the stage. Who listens to cheesy shit like that anyways?

Creepy karaoke master, please stop that guy from signing up again.

5) That chubby guy with glasses who just did an impeccable rendition of "Somebody to Love"? Treat him like the king that he is.

That guy is the man. Ladies, you should give him your number, and guys, buy that dude a beer. Pray that someday you will perform a song as perfectly as he just did.